So I’m off to Toronto for the holidays to visit my family.  Of course, I plan to leave early but there’s always something that goes missing at the last minute.  Add to that a foiled attempt to check in online on my p.c. and we’re already batting a thousand.

I arrive at the airport late after a hair raising high speed drive through heavy rain and fog.  Mill about confused, blinking, trying to understand airport signage.  Of course, I take the wrong direction and end up having to walk all the way back to the middle of the terminal to find my airline check in counter.  A cheery representative asks if she can help.  Hey, I’m the first to admit that I am somewhat travel challenged.  My trip depends on these people.  For some reason, as soon as I hit the airport I lose my ability to navigate inside that vast human maze.

Once we figure out that I’m now at the correct departure point she proceeds to check me in…only the console predictably refuses to cooperate.  I don’t know what it is about those things but when I’m near one they all refuse to work.  Finally entering my passport it gives us some information which dawns on us both at the same time.  Dunnh…I just missed my flight! It left at 5:00 not 6:00.  The rep offers a quick solution…’we can get you on the next flight is that okay?’

‘Oh sure’ I say breezily..’maybe it was meant to be and I’m going to meet the man of my dreams on this flight’ (note to self; maybe he was on the one I missed…doh!)

Getting through the gate was the usual nightmare  After searching my carry-on, the agent holds up an offending bottle of shampoo…

‘Miss, this doesn’t pass’.

‘Ok, throw it out then’. 

Never mind that I just bought it yesterday specifically for this trip.  Sorry, I didn’t know shampoo is on your list of potential explosives.

Did you ever wonder what they do with all that stuff they confiscate from  us?  Do they divvy the good stuff up after work?  Do they sell it on the side or use it for office Christmas party gifts? Is this whole process just a ploy?  After all, if they’re really afraid of it being explosive, why do they keep it all inside a drawer at the security gate where it could still blow up the entire airport?  Something’s going on!

Another thing…ever notice how airport employees are trying so hard to be politically correct by not stereotyping Arabs as terrorists that they let them all breeze through security while i get raked over the coals for having a bottle of shampoo in my carry-on?

A short wait in the lounge before boarding…during the process i manage to lose a glove…gah! Now I am exposed to all the germs in the airport!

Now I marvel at all the people that need styling help.  Jeez, look at that guy! ‘Hindu Santa’ …giggle…and that one…who wears a tank top to the airport on December 24th in Canada?!  Answer?  A Canadian.  As I take my seat near the tail I see him making his way, flabby biceps trembling, down the aisle towards me.  I shiver inwardly.  Oh no, here he comes! Please don’t sit beside me, I can smell your armpits from here, please no…aaahhhhh!!! Phew! He sits a few seats up but still close enough to kill me with his B.O. Sir, have you ever heard of anti-perspirant?! Mouthwash? Really. You’re getting on a plane where helpless passengers will be trapped with your stench. Do us all a favor.

At times like this you wish you could wear one of those masks so you don’t breathe other people’s germs.  I will if you will lol.  I want to but I don’t want people to stare and revile me as if I have the Ebola virus either.  On the other hand, I might get more seat room and some fresh air.  Why don’t they just hand one out to everyone as they embark?

Next my nostrils are assailed by odors from people eating smelly Mexican take-out they bought in the airport because the goddam airlines don’t serve food anymore.  Speaking of odors, let’s not forget farts.  I inevitably get seated behind two teenage boys who apparently believe they can supply the fuel to propel us all the way to Toronto.  Gotta’ love the airline that makes the brilliant decision to put hummus and black bread on their seat upgrade menu as a snack.  Are you kidding me? I don’t know about you but I don’t want to smell a planeful of hummus farts all the way to my destination.

Once everyone has boarded, we roar off into the late afternoon, winter blackness.  A gust of turbulence boosts us up to our cruising altitude with little or no help from the engines.  The Captain warns us to stay seatbelts on, all the way to Toronto, due to strong turbulence…well heh heh…let’s see what the wind can dish out to scare this pilot’s daughter…OMG hang on to your ipad this is one bumpy ride! I find myself grinning and hooting with delight like I’m on a  roller coaster as I narrowly avoid cracking the side of my head on the window. What fun!

Bonus! The turbulent tailwind gets us into Toronto 15 minutes early.  Except our gate is not free.  So we wait, trapped in a steel tube with wings, like a sitting duck on the tarmac.  Maybe I’ll meet the man of my dreams on the way back, doesn’t look like he’s on this flight.